i’m on my way

Haven’t had much going on lately. No big moments nor plans, just been watching films and sleeping well during the last days of the Christmas break. So what I was actually thinking about was travelling. I’ve been to quite a few places in my life and travelling is just something I never get tired of.

So well, basically I’ve been to Asia in Thailand and India, Africa in Tanzania and Europe in Estonia, Sweden, England, Turkey, Greece, France and Austria (and Russia, Italy, Bahrain and maybe Cyprus but was too young to remember much back then). Out of the well known, big cities I’ve been to Bangkok, Bombay, London, Stockholm and - for a couple of hours - Paris (and Moscow but, again, was way too young to remember it).
Most of the places I’ve visited with the family and can’t put it in words how lucky I feel for seen so many places. I literally love travelling, always got the same, amazing feeling just before leaving. When you’re waiting for the lift to the airport or where ever. The feeling when you’re about to leave the familiar to somewhere completely new and unknown. Later on, when travelling on my own, I found the time while moving from the point A to the point B. The hours of peace on the plane, train, ship and so on, when you’re just a stranger among other strangers. My cousin put in following words (ish): “when you’re between two destinations in nowhere, still but on the move”. Especially when you’re travelling in not-so-fancy conditions, the other people are sometimes well sociable and friendly as there aren’t expensive ways to make your way very luxurious.
Once I was going to Chartres via Paris from London by bus and it was filled with backpackers. I met a group of Scottish students going to Paris, who (after spotting my passport) told me they knew some Finns studied in Birmingham university and the conversation continued through the night until we hit the station

in Paris. They also gave me the directions to Montparnassé train station I painfully needed. I must say, even though I had brilliant time at my uncle’s in Chartres, the tiring, unhygienic way there was the best bit of the trip.
Thinking about travelling in general, I can’t name the best way to do it. With the family, friends or by myself, it’s always marvelous. And about the places I want to see, I could as well just point on a world map eyes shut. I want to see it all (and not the glossy images on magazines, I want real life). Yeah, though, some places more than others. I already listed some places I just must see but I’d call  here Holland, Australia, the whole UK, Brazil, Africa all in all, Japan, China… and I lost it already. One thing, if it wasn’t the matter of money, I’d love to do, is pack a backpack and go as far away as possible for at least a month.  Where you’re not judged by what music you like listening to and no one cares if you’re wearing make up or not. Another one’s obviously all sorts of experiences anywhere possible.

So the new year’s eve’s passed, my feet are surprisingly fine after a long night on heels and I’m recovering from a hangover. Waiting for the photos from last night with enthusiasm and a bit of horror as things got a little blurry after some shots and pints. The place was alright. I would’d felt for some deep bass but got loud list hit mixes instead and the area was a little blank but the atmosphere was marvelous. My party mood was on the right level to say yes to the lad who came to ask for his new year’s kiss and there was a proper new year countdown so when we reached the midnight, no one in the hall missed it. We also played a little practical joke with the mates that may had gone a little too far but no one got hurt so hope it’s all good. The resolutions are on already so I’m finally officially quitting smoking, haven’t had a single cigarette today, starting boxing, going to ring the place near where I live tomorrow and banning drinking and all extra carbs and fat (including pizza, burgers, sweets, white bread, sugarful soda etc) from myself for a month (longer if can be bothered).

About the previous year, had pretty long, sometimes emotional 365 days while crying my eyes out and laughing my ass off. Year 2011 finished the best 10 months of my life and got me meet absolutely brilliant people, do things I’m proud off and regret a lot of stuff. Cheers 2011, you were good to me, now let’s hope 2012 will be at least as great. Despite the end of the world.

The mission’s gone downhill. I wouldn’t lie to a lonely website. The aim to quit has switched to an aim to cut down. That has gone well but it’s a failure from the one below. 3, 4, 3 and 3 cigarettes a day so far aren’t a sign of quitting. Think I’m going to turn it into a new year resolution.

Was wrong about the physical bit of my addiction. I’m definitely physically addicted on nicotin although it’s not compairable to the mental side.

The Christmas and the time afterwards have been funny. Much, way too much time on my own, searching for new music, not leaving the house nearly at all and most of the social life focusing on online. Makes me remember how badly I miss the people outside of the country. It’ll be difficult to settle back to normal phase of everyday life after the break although that’s what I’m looking forward to the most. Getting my life started again, getting myself to a proper shape and getting a new form of interest from boxing. Also getting myself a little further from this guy due to all other stuff. I have no idea what he is on about but during the present month he’s kept in touch with me every day. I’m all fine with talking to him but things were confusing last time I saw him. I thought he’d be the last person to keep talking to me as I didn’t return in Chi but we kept in touch occasionally during the autumn. I liked it, having people from there to talk to, to make sure it all actually happened but lately that very lad’s started a conversation every time we’ve hit online at the same time. No, he isn’t into me, we’ve spoken this through. As said, things were really complicated but we always kept it more or less open (thank heaven, it would’d driven me mental otherwise). No mind games, but speaking about things straight and lately I’ve noticed I could tell him about things I’d normally find hard to share. Still, I never thought we could become mates, we’re quite different and he used to seem rather immature to me. Now it seems like we’re hitting the friend zone. I don’t know what’s bugging me about it, reckon I just normally back off from guys like him and now he’s started to feel almost close to me.

I’m not worried, a little suspicious maybe but more about myself. Definitely not into him but really wondering. Thank whoever there is on the higher level (or if there is), December’s almost over. This week including the new year’s eve to go and we hit January, boxing and classes. I could count days to the big February 17th. It’s still one of the top things in my mind.

(52 days x)

And those two have been burned again by this time tonight. Although it’s already tomorrow so two it is. You could tell I would’d needed nicotin today as went to my mate’s and not until at the flat did I hear that we were supposed to tidy and undpack her things. Yeah, always glad to help but would’d appreciated it a lot if I’d been told beforehand the idea was to work. Especially when they tell you to come over instead of asking.

One thing there pissed me off a big time over other things. Even if it was unintentionally the guy doubted if I was able to quit at all according to my motives. I’m pretty ambitious so the only thing I cought from it was that he thought I was going to fail. I know I should’d taken it more smoothly but I just got generally irritated and was just glad when I got told to get home asap. As I left I went and gave the lad my only lighter. I’m not even sure why I did it, I didn’t even mention about my quitting I just left it there, he asked if I was going to take it and I said he could keep it.   Well it’s all good I guess. Makes it harder to smoke from now on.

The christmas eve is here in two days. Well one to be exact but oh well. I’m pretty sure I can spend the whole day without a single cig since there’s so many other things to do to keep my head off smoking.

Off the topic I’ve been missing a new hobby to do. Sports’d do definitely but I’m way, way too competitive to stay on “a 2-3 hours a week” pace, when I do something I enjoy, I need to get on a proper level. And that means immediate decrease with my studies. Happened with basketball and cheerleading and I’d better keep doing well until I’ve finished my final exams. Then I thought about boxing. Not competitive though but boxing for fitness (I’ll find the actual term for it, fitness boxing sounds so very pussy) should be quite nice. Lately it’d started to seem pretty damn cool all in all and I’d finally find something to do during the afternoons..

As I’m in the mood right now, I’d loove to see the film A Million Dollar Baby. I’ve seen it once before and it’s probably the best sports film I’ve seen (but does Black Swan count as a sports film?) which, at the end of the day, isn’t really about boxing… Wish I could find a working website where to watch it.

I haven’t been entirely good with this here. During the day I’ve smoked twise. Two isn’t a big number, compaired to my previous 6-8 a day it’s pretty damn well and prooves that I’m not physically addicted. At least very badly that is. But two is more than none.

But for the record I’ve been feeling quite well. No frustration, no trumbling, no dizzy feeling. What got me light a new cig was that I just got really tempted. I know, quitting is all about resisting the temptation but it got me. And when I got out I realised it wasn’t just the amount of nicoting itching my arse when I felt for a fag. It was also just going out for a break.

When I went out the first time I noticed it had been snowing again. Smoking had given me a reason to get out for a minute and I realised I’d also missed the breath of fresh air (alright though, how fresh air do you breath while smoking, got it). It’s been six days of holiday and what have I done? Watched a couple of films, revised, eaten and watched telly (not to mention staring at my facebook profile incredulously, the new profile is so confusing), basically nothing. So I decided to go out tomorrow. Just hop on a bus without plans and probably enjoy the last peaceful day before every other school and college starts their christmas holidays and sets up shitloads of last minute christmas clubbers. I really wish my camera worked. I don’t think there’s going to be any snow at the central Helsinki but it’d be still worth shooting there.

Finally I got myself started with this. Someone compaired it to a marathon. I wouldn’t know, I’ve never tried either of them before. But I’ve prepaired to a number of swearwords and unbearable fucked up mood.

Bring it then. I’ll beat this shit.

December 20th 2011

I dumped my last smoke about two hours ago. I feel physically allright, a little irritated to be fair. But the challenging bit is to know there’s no next time I went out for a break. Smoking had become something compairable to breathing or eating. I was just fine without it for a certain amount of time but after a while I really, really needed a cig. Otherwise I started to feel so shit and annoyed and it’s hard to focus on anything and all I could think about was having a fag.

Oh god, I can feel it all coming now.

However all that is basically a sign of your body starting to get better as all that ash starts leaving it. So think I should be happy about it? Fuck that. I could give a whole list of things that have started to piss me off during the evening.

Why am I even trying then? For several reasons I’d better keep reminding myself about…

a) Money. Last time I checked my bank account I felt pure horror. I’m not saying I’ve only spent all my money on smoking but as it’s constant need I’ve had to bought bags at least two per week which makes it already a tenner every week. So yeah, I purely couldn’t even afford smoking for much longer and I think it’d be better to quit now as I still have some money left.

b) The social network. I know it’s my decision and I shouldn’t let other people affect on it but I hate to hide it from my friends who I just can’t admit I smoke. Then there are those people who know but don’t accept it and it’s not any easier.

c) The guy. This isn’t really a reason but the lad I’ve been blahblahblahhing about quitted too. And he smoked much longer than I did. So maybe it’s just because I don’t want to seem bad to him or just a personal challenge but if he could quit so can I.

(d) This doesn’t really count since I honestly can’t be bothered to give a shit but the college nurse gave me information about affections on your heathl smoking causes. Well, so far even my pulse hasn’t increased so I don’t think I’d die tomorrow if I still smoked as I did but there’s been cancer all over my family so it’d feel just stupid to take any more risks with it.

I hated going speechless the other day at the nurse’s office when she asked for any proper reasons to smoke. Because I had them. Several of them. But by that moment they all felt irrelevant or private. And she gave me the broadest smirk I’ve ever seen. After the appointmen the first thing I did was light a fag.

There are very few of them whoses opinions matter to me in this case. When I manage to say out I don’t want nor need a smoke I’m not doing it for anyone else but myself.

Such a cliché eh? But I’ve been reading these lately and they seem pretty amazing. Just to write down things you want to accomplish in your life. And seeing them done. Here’s my 50 things to do before I die:

1. Survive gymnasium [ ] this is my current goal number one. Passing this stop in my life to get really started in my life
2. Go bungee jumping [x] yeah I’ve done this already but it was such an incredible experience that I’m going to do it again
3. Go skydiving [ ] I find this almost like the next level from bungee. It’s something it just have to try.
4. Travel to all 7 continents [ ] I love travelling and different cultures and I want to see it all
5. Visit London [x]
6. Visit Paris [ ] I’ve actually been to Paris once before but I want to really visit and experiance the place
7. Visit New York [ ] The most famous city in the world. I couldn’t miss this one.
   
8. Visit Berlin [ ] I’m actually goning to accomplish this one next summer. Can’t wait.
9. Visit Bombay [x] Another one I’ve done already but we only spent a couple of days there so I obviously didn’t really experiance it.
10. Visit Moscow [x]

11. Visit Beijing [ ]
12. Visit Tokyo [ ]
13. Visit Amsterdam [ ] Does a student really need to explain this one?
14. Move abroad [ ] Gate of the dreams.
15. Fall in love [ ] I’ve never felt this one but I can just hope I will be able to feel this strongly someday.
    
16. Travel to a third-world  country and help out [ ] it’s been my dream for years.
17. Travel around Australia [ ]
18. Write a book [ ] I love writing so it feels like something I just need to do.
19. Get a tattoo [ ]
20. Learn sign language [ ]

21. Go on my own Eurotrip [ ] Travelling on my own with just a bagpack with me… I’m really looking forward to this
22. Reconnect with an old friend [ ]
23. Be an extra in a movie or tv show [ ]
24. Have a threesome [ ]  kinky eh? But so what, it is an experience.
25. Get into university [ ] I already know which one.
26. Meet Rober Sheehan [ ]
27. Have an original-Dinsey-movie marathon [ ]
28. Work at my dream job [ ]
29. Try water skiing [ ]
30. Take a walk in the rain [ ]

    

31. Surprise someone [ ]
32. Sleep under the starts [x] Done. Wasn’t very appealing night to be honest we weren’t really focusing on the stars. Just to stay warm.
33. Sample PROPER foreign food [ ]
34. Go whale watching [ ]
35. Cook something [ ] I’m not very good at cooking but with someone who knows what to do it should be nice
36. Watch the sun set and rise [ ]
37. Pass on a nudget of knoledge [ ]
38. Go naked [ ]
39. Make a photo album of your 50 to 100 closest friends [ ]
40. Read a classic novel [ ]
41. Go to the concert of your favourite band or artist [ ] I hope they’re still touring when I have a chance.
42. Watch a cinema classic [ ]
43. Take a hot-air balloon ride [ ]
44. Climb a mountain [ ] Everest is be my lifetime challenge. Dying on the way wouldn’t be the worst way to go.
45. Visit Malaysia [ ]
46. Visit Nepal [ ]
47. Go skiing in Switzerland [ ]
48. Learn at least basics of another foreign language [ ] Japanese, Spanish, Mandarin, German, Russian.. What ever I get a chance to use in practice.
49. Giggle with chirldren [ ]
50. Listen to old people [ ]

I know some of them are quite simple and easy to do again but if I’ve ticked them already it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do them again. Those are some of my absolute dreams to accomplish and if I’ve managed to try ever each of them one day you can tell I’ve lived really fully .

You know the feeling when you get home from a party where you didn’t know anyone well enough to start a proper chat? That party where you hadn’t prepaired with any booze and where you end up sat listening to other people telling stories about someone you have never heard of. Where you just lie down and smoke countless of cigarettes wishing you were somewhere else? Maybe that sort of a party that you know you shouldn’t go to because you got about a million things to do next day.

Yep, that party.

Well, I guess it was better to be there than have another lifeless day at home trying to stop smoking spending half of my time working and another half thinking about the very place you’d kill to be. And the boy who’s taken over a massive bit of my mind. As he’s played a small role in my life these days I hadn’t realised how much it mattered to me until I thought I’d lost it. The moment I thought he had turned his back on me for worthless drama I felt unbelieveably disappointed, sad and alone. It couldn’t believe how devastating it was.

So anyway the day wasn’t that bad really. For the record it got me outside to breath proper air and notice there is still life out there.

I was walking down the underground tunnel in Sörnäinen worrying about things that needed to be done and the current state of my bank account. I only had a few cigarettes left and five euros cash for the last bag before my try to quit entirely when I heard this sound that got me from the moment. That little minute made my day today.

The quiet beautiful guitar intro of Stairway to Heaven by (as if I had to mention) Led Zeppelin. The delicate slow melody, that got stronger and stronger as the song ran forward, that got me into  rock in the first place. I spotted

a man in the corner playing his guitar and dag that last fiver from my wallet after a moment of hesitation. He looked rather surprised as he gave me a broad smile but really, I would’d given him more if I only had had more. That was the least I could do for giving me a moment out of all the worries and reminding me about the fact that life is full of beauty that just needs to be found.

I’ve spoken to someone about how it feels not to be in Chi anymore. I hadn’t really realised how damaging it was because I hadn’t really shared it with anyone and as I spoke I started crying. Properly crying without any decent reason and it felt like some poison’d bled out. I don’t want that life to become just a pile of memories but I can’t help noticing it does. It hurts but I guess that’s life. Unfair, proper shit kicking your arse sometimes but all in all well worth living.

There’s happened too much during the last two days. It feels like weeks ago when I was sat in English class looking forward to the bank holiday (the Finnish independence day, December 6th). Everything seemed to be under control for once and the incoming day-off was supposed to be dedicated for lying down.

Everything turned upside down as mum got home and told us that dad was in a hospital for an intracranial hemorrhage (bleeding within the skull). I only knew it was something you can die of. Seeing dad there in a steril hospital bed being nothing like himself was devastating. I did my best to stay calm and cheerful for him but couldn’t help falling apart at home later on that night.

It’s been a little better today but I’d really need my every day routines. While there hasn’t been college, work or really anything to do, all I’ve had today is time. And within that I’ve mainly been alone with my thoughts and it’s been tough. Without close friends around nor anyone else you usually rely on, it’s been even harder and as my worry towards dad has relived I’ve felt more and more alone. Maybe it’s just those moments when I really miss people in Chi and living in the same building with my closest friends. But I’ve realised there is life here too and I definitely shouldn’t ignore it any longer. Which obviously has pushed me further away from England.

Last night and today have been surrealistic. Time hasn’t mattered at all and the thought lines I’ve followed have led me into a mess.

It’s been snowing today. I usually love the first snow-fall, and it was gorgeous last night, but today’s been one of the darkest days during the whole year.

You’re my hero and I know you’re going to make it. It’s all going to be fine and you’ll be back home in no time.

I love you, dad.